I was just thinking about one of my favorite words.

Fuck.

(Ma, go ahead and turn this off, if you want.)

Seriously, I love that word. I have a degree in creative writing, I adore Shakespeare, I read poetry, I find beauty in the stark but simple prose of McMurty and Hemingway and I snap my fingers along with Kerouc’s ramblings. I KNOW words, and I adore them.

I just really like Fuck.

It grabs you like no other word.

It is noun, verd, adjective, adverd.

It’s the funniest fuckin’ word in the world, and Eddie and Martin can prove that to ya.

It’s the scariest word in the world, and Bobby and Al can prove that to ya too, ya Fuck.

It offends.

It entices.

It horrifies.

It precludes denial, it starts arguments and ends them, it’s right there in your face.

Fuck.

It’s the only word I have ever come across that no matter how many times you repeat it, it doesn’t lose all meaning.

It NEVER loses meaning.

Nothing tells everyone how wrong things are going, and with more emphasis, than one simple uttered word.

No other word makes you feel better after a bad day.

No other word makes you feel better after hitting your thumb with a hammer.

Fuck.

So here’s some stuff that’s going on.

Billy was right, PS2 “rawks”, as Jess would spell it. (I am linking a lot today, so get used to it, get over, get next to it, whatever.)

Speaking of Billy, he and Sarah’s pages are like the navigation bars of my online life. My links are sadly out of date because I use their pages to get to everyone that I read. Thanks ya’ll! My new read comes from TimO, however. She’s 5 Red Pandas, though I don’t kow a whole lot else about her. She’s using the same original blog template I did. She doesn’t have an about section. I like short declaritive sentences today. I don’t usually utilize short declaritive sentences. Today, I am. I think she might be chinese. I am not basing that on the panda thing as much as on a comment posted to her page. Someone else talked about names and her mother had to change her name from “little general” in Chinese to Judy, which seems sad. That got me thinking about names, and changing them or naming yourself. Alison had, a while back, a thing going on about naming your car, and I wrote a post about That Which Shall Not Be Named (my truck). Today I am thinking about renaming myself. Sarah said when I go to Hawaii I could tkae a Hawaiian name. Sarah’s Dad’s name is Keanu. I like the name Rabbit. I saw it on TV, but that doesn’t neccesarily make it bad. I may change my name to Rabbit for a few weeks.

Also, since everyone else is doing it, I will too!

Name four bad habits you have:

1) poor dental hygiene

2) Lazy about laundry

3) eating limes wedges at work

4) blogging at work

Name four scents you love:

1) Spaghetti sauce boiling on the stove

2) Dogs

3) Girls

4) Cows

Name four things you’d never wear:

1) Leather pants

2) nipple rings

3) pink

4) cream cheese

Name four bands/groups most people don’t know you like:

1) STYX

2) Wu Tang Clan

3) Doobie Brothers

4) The Indians

(I’m not secretive about these, it’s just that no one pays attention)

Name four drinks you regularly drink:

1) Dr. Pepper

2) Jack Daniel’s

3) Dos Equis

4) Iced Tea

Name four random facts about yourself:

1) I am currently growing my hair longer

2) I like pickles with Pringles

3) I have very high metabolism

4) I like thumb rings

Name four random facts about your family:

1) I used to think my Grandfather was a hero, but he wasn’t

2) My Dad’s middle name is Leroy, which I think is cool.

3) My Dad is left handed, which means my kids might be, which I think is also cool.

4) My Mom makes the most beautiful quilts in the world. (Hi Mom!)

four people I’ve accidentally walked in on because the bathroom door wasn’t fully shut:

1) Robert from work

2) Mom

3) My little sister Gin

4) wow I really can’t rememeber any others (thank God)

The Greatest Ghost Story Ever Told

I am in a bit of a story telling mood. Recently, Sarah and I had dinner at the new pad of Angela and Raymond, friends of hers, and I am happy to think now friends of mine, from the Islands. We got to talking about a movie, The Blair Witch Project, and how I have a friend in Lubbock (I won’t use your name Mike Stephens…..Damn!) who thinks its the worst movie ever made. It scared the bejeezus out of Angela. Even talking about it in the warm well lit dining room of her lovely new house gave her goose bumps. I was telling her and her friend Tater (sorry, I can’t remember her real name) about the running argument my nameless friend and I have about Blair Witch (See Mike, I did it that ti….. aww crap.). I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s not high art, but that the filmmaker’s essentially got together on camera and told the world a really great campfire ghost story. It works ’cause we’re all sitting in the dark at the time, and can’t get up to turn on the lights. If you ever went camping as a kid and got spooked by a good ghost story, you know the feeling of seeing Blair Witch the first time. It doesn’t work on a second screening because someone can only go “Boo!” once. After that the spell is sort of broken. I remember hearing a story about a guy who went to see a matinee of Blair Witch during all the hype of it’s first week on the theatre, then went again in the evening. He sat in the back of the theatre, and near the end, when the lost students find the house of the Witch and are very near meeting their end, this guy stands up in the back and yells out in a half comical voice, “Are you fucking KIDDING ME? DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE!!!!!” Instantly, the spell was broken and all the little kids around the cmapfire became grown-ups again, most of them laughing hysterically.

All this put me in a story telling mood that day, and I am still in it now, so I want to tell The Greatest Ghost Story Ever Told. Don’t worry, It’s not really scary.

When I was younger, I used to go backpacking every summer at a high adventure camp called Philmont, just outside of Cimmarron, New Mexico. Those trips are still some of the greatest weeks of my life. On one trip, my first, I was tent mates with a guy named Paul that I went to church with. He was a really funny, smart little chubby kid, a great friend who always had a smile and a snide but good natured comment, like me. We began in base camp, and hiked from campsite to campsite every morning, carrying in our packs everything we would need to live for two weeks. Each campsite had something of interest to see or do once you reached your destination each day. About a week into our trip, we stopped at a campsite that was near a large cliff face, not far from the base of Baldy Mountain. Our campsite was along the base of the cliff to the south, on the edge of a large field that ran about 400 yards to a treeline off to the north. In the trees were several old cabins where a mining community had lived years before, and we learned that the cliff was in fact artificial, created out of a hill by a mining process that utilized high powered water hoses to essentially force-erode the hill away and get to the copper underneath. (Anyone who has seen the Clint Eastwood film Pale Rider has seen a recreation of this technique, used in the later days of the expansion west.) Near the west end of our campsite, in a small grove of trees near the base of the cliff, was something rather unnerving. The mining settlement had lived in this area for about 15 years, we later learned, and during that time, in the harsh conditions and dangerous work environment, naturally some members of the community had passed away. Their tiny cemetery remained, a few heavy wooden headstones, one or two actually carved from rock, mostly faded and unreadable, surrounded by a rickety old picket fence, it sat there right at the edge of where we were pitching tents to spend the night. We were almost literally sleeping in a graveyard.

After setting up camp, we met the few members of permanent staff at the site, who told us the story of the area, and took us to see the cabins, which were now a small museum about mining in the area, containing relics of the miners and the frontier lives. Later that night, sitting around our campsite as it was getting dark, they told us another story. (This version is a recreation of a story told to me about 15 years ago, but it’s pretty close.)

Sometime in the the early 1890’s, almost 100 years before our time there, a young miner and his pretty bride lived in this community. They were newlyweds who had fled their Eastern hometown because their parents disapproved of the marriage, and had headed West to start new lives together. They lived happily in their new communtiy, becoming a part of the mining company and making many new friends. They hoped to one day have children and move farther West, to California. One day, however, tragedy struck. While working near the top of the cliff face during the mining process, the young husband fell off a loose ledge into the incredible pressure of the hoses, several hundred feet to the rock and mud below. He was killed instantly. His young bride was a grief stricken wreck. Her husband had died very near the end of the warm weather, and with winter coming, his bride could not travel back East. She remained in camp, mourning him constantly, weeping and tending his grave dialy. She ate little, and grew so despondent that many worried she would die of heartbreak. The young bride was not willing to wait that long. Wracked with grief and longing to be with her true love, one night she left the shelter of her cabin in the trees, and after placing a flower at the grave of her husband, climbed to the top of the cliff, and threw herself off.

Sadly, she was not to be reunited with her husband. According to local legend, and perpetuated by the staff at the campsite who claimed to have known someone who had witnessed it a few years earlier, the young bride’s ghost still haunted the area. The stories said that she had not been allowed to move on to heaven and be with her husband because she had committed suicide, an unforgiveable sin. Her ghost was therefore cursed to live forever in the tiny mining camp, emerging sometimes at night to cross the field and tend the grave of her husband, weeping all the while at her eternal seperation from him. The staff said that a few campers had claimed to have seen her crossing the field in a glowing white dress, and that others had found old wilted flowers on one specific grave site. They removed them, only to find new ones there the next morning.

Needless to say, we were pretty spooked. It was a good story to tell a 14 year old kid who’d been in the woods for a whole week, especially with the grave site so close by. No matter what we did for the rest of the evening as we prepared for bed, the graveyard was always right there, kind of in the back of our minds even when we couldn’t see it. Paul and I talked about it after we had gone to bed, whispering in our tent the way that kids do, pretending we weren’t rattled by the story.

Later that night, Paul woke me up, shaking me and telling me to be quiet. On the far wall of our tent, the one that faced the field, I could see a dull glow. I was immediately terrified, and I could tell Paul was too. Slowly, we crawled to the door of our tent and looked out.

In the middle of the field was the shape of a woman in a long glowing white dress. She was walking silently across the field almost directly toward us. We sat there in terror watching as she walked right up to the little grave site, through the gate, and knelt at one of the graves. I don’t rememeber what I was thinking at the time, but I do remember I was shaking, and Paul was gripping the tent flap so hard he was bending the tent poles.

Suddenly, the figure in the graveyard began to SHRIEK. LOUDLY. Ungodly wailing noises, high pitched and awful.

That’s when Paul bolted.

For 14, Paul was a big kid. I bet he was pushing 170, and only about 5 feet tall. But I have never in my life seen a fat kid run so fast. He took off across the field in the opposite direction as fast as his legs would carry him as though the Devil himself were chasing him, with Paul making this wierd wheezing half moaning sound. Barry Sanders couldn’t have outrun him. Only a moment after he did it did I hear the laughter. All the tents around us were laughing, everyone was awake and watching. Apparently the camp staff pulled this gag on first year campers a lot. They had an old dress and some kind of blue flashlight underneath it. They had done a great job of setting us up, and to this day I don’t know how I didn’t end up running off myself. I am sure glad I didn’t though.

It took us over an hour to find Paul, and I don’t think he ever forgave us.

It’s 5:13 in the morning, and I was thinking about something that I have thought about many times before, but never exactly found the right way to articulate it. I was thinking about being an American and original sin.

wow. I’ll take “Loaded Statements” for $200, Alex.

I am doing something that I often do at this time of night. I am watching SportsNight on TV (or rather on TiVO, the next best thing to sliced bread.) SportsNight is not a nightly sports recap news show (and is not 2 words, no matter what you might think) but rather a 30 minute sitcom that ran on ABC a few years ago ABOUT a nightly sports recap news show. It was written by Aaron Sorkin, who writes the West Wing, who wrote A Few Good Men, The American President, Malice, and a few other things here and there, and whom most of those who know me know is a hero of mine as a writer. (He’s a master of dialogue for intelligent people in the way the Quentein Tarantino in his day was a master of dialouge for “cool” people.) During it’s run, one critic said of SportsNight that, “This season’s best new drama is a half hour comedy.” It is entirely too smart for the lowest common denominator in America, but try this for a second. Watch the West Wing on NBC on Wednesday night, and have a good time laughing at the one or two of the REALLY well written scenes in that very well written DRAMA that are funny, comic relief type stuff. Then you’ll get the SportsNight vibe. Or watch it late night on Comedy Central, which is what I am doing now.

In the particular episode I am watching, the cast of the “sports show” are reporting a story on an old Negro Leauge pitcher who was greatly talented, but “no body noticed him because he played on the same team as Gibson and Jackie.” In the story line, this man, having retired years earlier and living in Los Angeles at age 75 or so with a family that loved him, was pulled from his car during a carjacking and beaten to death. What saddened me is that the show is talking about a purely distilled example of the American Original Sin. I have lamented here in recent days about the troubles with baseball, and talked about how it is breaking my heart. Baseball is truly American in my opinion. Racism against African-Americans is also, unfortunately, very American. I understand what bigotry and hatred are like, but this particular example, shown to me in the heat of a summer that should be about running out ground balls and not walking out on strike, is particularly poignant. I hate it that I can’t be talented enough to play ball. I hate it that the people who run the buisiness and the chosen talented few can’t find a way to let us adore and adminre them in the sweltering late season heat of the pennant race. I hate it that great athletes and greater men were honored with an athletic endeavour that ended in a tie. But mostly, I hate it that we will always see some of the greatest players in history as less, that some players will always be minor leaguers.

After all, the crack of the bat and the roar of the crowd should be in everyone’s heart. My favorite moment in baseball history is watching Hank break the record in the midst of death threats thicker than butter, and the two men who took the field to run the bases with him were white.

Sometimes, I wish the U.S. loved soccer as much as everyone else. Lots of readers here at the ‘wrangler have noticed my recent obsession with the worlds most popular sport. I think maybe what fianlly got me over the hump and well on my way to being a full blown soccer hooligan is the deep pile of refuse that our own game has sunk into.

Baseball is in big, BIG trouble.

Thank you for that penetrating insight, Captain Obvious. Everyone already knows this, not the least of which is baseball itself. Last night, I watched the game on its second largest stage, The All Star Game. Kevin and I lamented the fact that we knew we would spend the entire evening watching the game we love, all the while listening to the announcer’s talk strike and steriods and labor and small market vs. large market. We talked at length, as we have in the past, about what’s wrong with the game. I watched a player from my home team in the pregame announcements, a player who’s salary represents everything that’s wrong with the game, a player who can’t remotely help get his team to the Series. I found myself rooting against him, and he’s a Ranger. During the pregame, we saw memorable moments that reminded me why I love this game. During the game itself, I saw Torii Hunter make a catch that I should be remembered for years, and a celebration in the outfield with Barry Bonds, whose home run Hunter robbed, that looked like two little leaguers having the time of their lives on a field of grass so green it makes your heart ache. Only a few innings later, I saw Bonds answer in the way he does best, by making sure the next ball he hit never got anywhere near that grass, but well out of the park. I saw Lance Berkman, who plays for my other team, do what he has done better than anyone else all year, bring home the run. He helped put the NL back on top. I got to see Ichiro play, and laugh in the face of the Japanese baseball system that I used to think was the worst example of sports in the world. (They intentionally DON’T TRY TO WIN in Japenese ball, how stupid is that shit?) Now, our own game is in such terrible trouble, the Japanese may get the last laugh. Ten bucks says if the player’s strike, Ichiro goes back overseas. Why shouldn’t he? There, he’s Michael Jordan, here he’ll just be one more player who’s refusing to play in a system that is so out of whack, no one seems to know what to do with it.

After all the pageantry, after all the great plays and fun and games and kids in the stands enjoying a sight not to be seen again, after tributes to the greats of the game, especially those heroes who have recently fallen, it all came down to This. The sound you’re hearing at the end of this game isn’t just booing, its the sound of America’s heart breaking. Or of mine, anyway.

Minority Report

Starring Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell, Samantha Morton, and Max von Sydow

Directed by Stephen Spielberg

What a spectale! Man this movie looks good. Spielberg’s study at the house of Kubric has paid dividends here in a big way. The film’s look is reminiscent of Speilberg’s work on Kubrik’s final project, A.I., but much more lively and entertaining in this go-around. Tom Cruise plays his part with the stubborn determination we’ve seen before in films like Mission Impossible, but with the deep emoptional depth he has shown glimpses of in performances like Vanilla Sky and Eyes Wide Shut. Here, Cruise, while being the action star, is a father who has lost his child. His inner pain is quite prevalent during the film, guiding him with a determination that is often lacking in the characterization of an action hero. His desperate need to believe in the system that eventually turns on him is born out of a greif and sense of responsibility for the abduction of his son, and that makes this a blockbuster that you care about. Explosions and gunfights and car chases and special effects are fine, but Spielberg and Cruise made me care about the people, too, which is what great movie making is all about. 4 cell phones.

Well, Feeling better, thanks. To all those who asked, and showed support, many muchos gracias. But see, here’s the thing. It’s nice to know someone reads this stuff, and it’s nice that everyone went running under the ledge with that big net like a bunch of keystone cops to save the day. I wasn’t up there, though. I get Slightly Out of Focus from time to time, (often enough that it gets capitalized) but I am basically all right. Please feel free to be concerned about me, because it feels great to know people care. But don’t worry about me jumping anytime soon.

I don’t like heights.

The world has gone sort of gray and fuzzy. I’m Slightly Out of Focus. The daily routine becomes a monotone roar in my ears, the nightly escape an ever more out of control attempt to drown out one din with another. I’m not wandering lost, not yet. I’m still reasonably centered, but the things that were once important have faded away. The new things that are becoming important (or that I want to become important) are far away, in the distance, not even particularly shiny, just hazy black shapes that I only endeavor to move towards when there’s nothing better to do. There’s always something else to do, better or not. Life isn’t joyless, but it’s not really joyful, either. Small pleasures have become the only pleasures. Mild irritations become raging fires of anger that fade moments after they started. I snap at a lot of people. I forget things. I have no patience. I hurt people’s feelings on accident.

I am Slightly Out of Focus. Don’t tell anyone, I’m hoping it won’t last.