Author: Jefe

There must be some, somewhere. After work tonight, I went to grab a beer with a coworker, after we finished on a job site. We went to the closest restaurant, and grabbed two cold ones. Twin Peaks, Hooters for camping. It was freakin’ awful. I was so embarrassed, for myself, for the girls scantily clad and looking uncomfortable. I never wanted to slink under the table and die so much in my whole life.

Another part of me wants to rail against this, all of this, against her, knash my teeth and shake my fists with rage. I have done awful things, to her and to others, but all life is a two way street. She hurt me too, in ways I am becoming more certain she does not understand.

For a while, in the midst of blaming myself, I was even convinced that the ways that SHE hurt ME were MY fault. Some of them were, but not all of them. She was never affectionate to me, she constantly kept me at arms length. I was always fascinated, even for years before we were lovers, at how she could be such a strong person and have seemingly so little faith in herself. Now, while I can understand that it is hard to be affectionate to someone you do not feel is supportive of you, I also know that had she reached out a little more often I might have seen how much more support she needed. Because I needed support from her as well, and I didn’t get much from her. Again, always a two way street.

During the two and a half years that we were together, I have been through the most massive professional upheaval of my life. I lost my job, three times. I have been steadily employed my entire life, since I was 16 except for my first year of college. I was in an awful position at my first long term job here in Austin, backed into a corner by a boss who was stealing from me (it turns out, he was stealing from everyone). I got out of that awful situation with such a bad taste in my mouth, I was never able to be successful or happy at another job like it again. I was miserable, and though she says she wanted to encourage me to do more, to be more, I never felt it. We never talked about anything serious, ever. Our communication was so fundamentally different, I don’t think we were capable of the kind of support that we were looking for from each other.

She felt I was not supportive of her career. I tried to be, I really did. I was so proud of her, I talked about her job, bragged about her to others, constantly. I should have done that with her, told her I was proud of her. Her world was very alien to me, and I reacted badly to it. She began more and more to shove me away. When her coworkers invited their friends and family to things, I heard about it after the fact. The one thing I was invited to, she largely ignored me, and I had to force conversations with her coworkers.

For a time, i really felt that she never respected what I did, at all. She tried to be supportive of the first job I had when she moved here, and in those first few months we were together, ALMOST everything was wonderful. She made friends with my coworkers, as best she could, and I even got her little sister a job there, hoping to help her make friends in Austin as well. Yet, she always viewed my job, my life, as somehow bad. I know that she is a wonderful mother, and that my life at that time was not conducive to a family life. It’s the life I had been in for almost 10 years at that point, it was a part of me she knew about going in. She used to say disdainful things about my “being out” all the time, about my “lifestyle”, and it made me feel like a deviant, like something dirty. I always enjoyed the bar business, was happy at work, was thinking from a work mindset while out on my nights off, when I had them. I also wanted to see her, spend as much time with her as I could, but it was difficult for us, for me, because she insisted on separating herself from it and looking down her nose at it, at least that’s how I felt. She looked at me with such disdain, I didn’t even know how to talk to her about it. This is when we started not communicating, and when I started to really be afraid that we would not work out. We are built so differently, it now seems amazing in some ways that we stayed together as long as we did. I’m changed now, my life is moving in scary new professional directions, and I like some of it. It also motivates me to strive for the goals that I came to this town for in the first place, and I am very glad of that. These are the first steps, and they are hard. I fall a lot, like an emotional toddler.

We spent 15 months without touching each other, ever. I began to realize that she wasn’t in love with me anymore. I also realized that, while I loved her still, in fact loved her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, that I wasn’t romantically IN LOVE with her anymore. That sounds so trite, but I don’t have another way of saying it right now.
I was hurt, by her, by my own feelings, more than I have been in years. I did something awful, but not for the reasons people think, not for the reasons she thinks. I was in so much pain. pain that I didn’t even understand it at the time. My denial was palpable, ever present, like a ringing in my ears. I wanted out, I’ve never had the urge to run so badly.

I was with someone else, not out of spite or anger. It was horribly selfish, and I can never apologize for it to her, to anyone. But it wasn’t malicious. I did it for me, because I wanted it, I wanted her. I also did it because, genuinely, I really liked her, the other girl. I was attracted to her, fascinated by her, energized in a way that I had not been in so, so long. The undertone of guilt was there in so many ways, but there was so much about her that I liked, that I still like. She was too young, for me at least, but she’s smart beyond her years, and funny in a way that few people get. Her vulnerability was so different, and that was what made her youth so appealing. She had the air of emerging from it, that yes, she was vulnerable, but she was growing through it, not just using it as an excuse to armor herself from everything and everyone. Sadly, in all of the mistakes I have made, she got hurt too. I am not making attempts at justification, I know I should never have done what I did. I was so broken, I had no business being involved in the affairs of anyone’s heart.

My heart was breaking, and has been broken ever since. The band-aid felt so good when we got back together. I missed her companionship, her friendship so much, but we should never have tried again. I am seeing that more every day. I can’t say we never should have tried at all, because I loved her so much, and have cared for her for so, so long, that I can’t imagine passing up the chance to explore it. I wish I had been a better person through it all, and genuinely hope that I can come out of this a better person. I know that, no matter how hard I try, I can’t get angry, I can’t knash my teeth. I can lose (and have lost) my temper in insane, embarassing moments, and there are flare ups, but it doesn’t last. The only things that last are fear and regret, overwhelming regret at the pain I have caused.

I childishly wish for anger to help me through this, but it isn’t there, none that is real, just my juvenile temper shoving me in the wrong directions, and I fight to keep it under control. I don’t really want to use anger or hate to understand this, because I know if I do, it is all there will ever be between us. I don’t know that there will ever be anything else, but I’d rather have nothing between us than to have hate.

I have never wished more for penance, but there is none. I don’t deserve it.

Well, it’s been a long time since I was here, and I am quite certain by now that no one is looking anymore. Maybe that’s good, as I have some things to say, but don’t know who would want to hear them. Part of me worries that I am only doing this to stroke my own bruised ego. Part of me wants to bruise that ego even more, stomp on it and kill it and be done with it completely so that I can start over and become something different, something more than what I am.

Because right now, I don’t like what I am. I’d like to say I don’t like who I’ve become, but what I am starting to realize is that this is who I have been for a very, very long time. I have always known, down deep, that I am irresponsible. I tried to rise above that, to find ways to become more like what I should be, but I have never done it in the right way, not really. I take the easy road, a lot of times. I say to myself, “Well, you deserve to do something nice for yourself, you deserve to make yourself feel better.” But I am often justifying behavior that is inexcusable, if I am honest with myself. I have never been very good at being honest with myself.

I wonder if I have ever been any good at being honest at all. I lie with ease, I always have. I often do it with good intentions, to spare the feelings of others, to make things simpler, to hide my own feelings. I have been committing that lie, the lie of omission, the lie that says, “No, everything is fine, just carry on with the simple things and hope it will all be ok” when really I should have been saying the brutal honest truths that are deep inside of me, the things that I am so afraid of I don’t know if I can express them, even here, where no one is listening anymore.

Thus, I have been trying to get to some hard truths, to force myself to say them, write them, confront them. I hope starting over here at Cloudwrangler will help me do that. I hope I can be honest with myself. I have often viewed this kind of public writing as something that should be done brazenly, without fear. This kind of raw exposure of one’s self should come with no regrets, no compunctions, no holds barred. I have shied away from that at times, and embraced it fully at others. I cannot promise that I will be successful, but I can try.

Try, the simple derivative of my favorite word. Endeavor.

So, some truths about me, as I understand them, right now.

I have never hated myself as much as I do right now.

I have never understood how Marty and David could do what they did, and a big part of me still does not, but I am so much closer to it now. I know I could never make the choice that they made, but I can see now the deep black abyss that they must have feared so greatly. I can see a life alone, without love or friendship, staring me right in the face.

Being alone and unloved is the greatest fear of my life.

My own anger is a close second. I have long had a terrible temper, and it has many times gotten the best of me. I’ve ruined many, many good things because of it, and I don’t know that I have it fully under control, even now. My temper recently raged so frighteningly out of control that I was afraid I might ultimately, completely, self-destruct. I felt I deserved it, that ending, and I was very, very frightened.

Actually, this is a better way of saying how much I fear my own feelings. I have been afraid for many, many years that I don’t have any REAL feelings at all. I often feel as if everything I do is simply the perceived expected response to stimuli. I often wonder if I really care about anything or anyone. I have hurt everyone I have ever loved, ever cared about, ever called a friend. Sometimes I wonder how far I am capable of going, how much I could really just turn my feelings off. Am I capable of immoral behavior beyond the horrific things I have already done? If I can lie to myself and others this easily, could I steal indiscriminately? Could I physically hurt people, since I am so capable of doing it emotionally? Could I commit violence without conscience? The only answer I have been able to come up with is, “I don’t know.” I am terrified at my own answer, terrified of myself. I don’t know that anything I feel is real anymore, except one thing.

Regret. I have done awful, evil things to many people, Jess in particular. I have hurt her more deeply than anyone ever deserves, and I have often done it with a callousness that I would not have believed possible, and fear has been possible all along at the same time. I make small, candid remarks that I believe, on some level of my sad little mind, are funny, without any realization that they will hurt, deeply hurt, other people. My brain/mouth filter is irrevocably broken. The only thing that leads me to hope in any way is that for the first time, I see that what I have done has not only hurt me, but hurt others. That pain, the pain I have inflicted, seems more horrifying than the pain I feel for myself. I haven’t felt anything like this since I was a child. I can remember once being horrified that I had hurt my mother by lying to her, the one person in the world who loves me unconditionally and does not deserve such behavior. I actually ran away from home, determined not to bring any more pain to her. I hurt deeply because I had hurt her, not because I was upset myself. Those were the simple feelings of a child of 10, these are much more complex, but they are equally real. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I have a feeling that I can hold onto, that is real in my heart, and it is a terrible feeling indeed.

But it is real, and thus it gives me a small measure of hope. I know that it must come from other real feelings, feelings of admiration and love for others. If I feel regret at causing pain to someone, then I must, I MUST, have had real feelings for them at some point. I want to believe that, even though I am certain they no longer do. I want to save the friendships I have, maintain them if I can, because those I currently have mean more to me than any others I have ever had, Kevin and Jess in particular. I owe them both so much, and I must try to be a better person if I am going to hold onto either of them. I think my relationships with both of them will be irrevocably changed, Jess for certain, and that is good. I want nothing but happiness for them both, even if I don’t have it for myself, even if I must face life without either of them. I must live up to being a better friend to Kevin, a better partner in our endeavor together, a harder working more dedicated member of the team. With Jess, I cannot begin to be anything resembling her friend for some time, I don’t imagine. She has so much anger and hatred for me, and she is right to have it. I keep asking for her friendship, then behaving like an animal licking its wounds, snapping at her fingertips the moment she reaches out her hand. I have been so selfish when it comes to our relationship, it will be a miracle if we can start over with a new friendship. I have no idea if it is possible.

I know I need space from her, but it is difficult. We’re in the same circles, and I want to surround myself with friends right now while I am so low. But doing so means denying her that same opportunity, and I know how hard those social situations have been for her in the past. I’ll have to make a conscious effort to think of her feelings now, and not my own, when looking for comfort. I’ll have to accept pain and loneliness for a while, because I have inflicted pain upon others. I suppose my Catholic upbringing was never as far away as I would have liked to think.

I must make a conscious effort with every action to think of others. I am learning that it is not in my nature to do so, may never have been. I must retrain myself to be less selfish, to have real feelings for others. If there are real feelings in me, I must work hard to get them to the surface. I must Endeavor to be more than I have been.

I am deeply frightened that I am not capable of it. I hope that I am wrong.

or,

It’s not my girlfriend, but it’s awesome!

I am known for being a rather brazenly obvious Aaron Sorkin worshiper. My life is in the crapper right now, only a couple of things in it are good at all. I am unemployed, nearly broke, pretty unhappy and nearly crazy, but something happened tonight that made me fist pump my hands in the air with joy. Literally. No one saw it because Jess and Ben don’t like Studio 60 as much as I do. That’s not to say that they don’t like it, but Jess is sick and Ben got his cast on today and that’s a long day for those two, so they were fast asleep on the couch when it happened. Plus, it’s safe to say very, very, VERY few people like Aaron Sorkin’s work as much as I do. I am a little creepy and weird about, and even I know it. Anyway, here’s the great thing that happened to me.

I found out that Aaron and I think alike.

“It’s Toxic. It’s bad crack in the school yard ….. It’s patently disgusting. It appeals to the very worst in our nature, and whoever airs it will play a measurable role in subverting our national culture. It doesn’t belong on anyone’s air.”

We both hate reality TV! I’ve been saying it forever, but it’s just nice to know my hero thinks it too. The vast majority of Reality television is bad for you. It encourages the worst aspects of human nature, it nurtures our vices as if they were virtues, and it teaches people, especially young people, lessons that we need to be desperately fighting against right now. I think so, and it turns out Aaron thinks so too. It is true that no group of people, things, ideas, societies, religions, genre of TV shows, whatever, is always 100% right or wrong. I like Project Runway and Top Chef when they highlight the creative drive in individuals. I like it when The Biggest Loser encourages people to change, even save, their own lives. They just shouldn’t have to vote each other off. All life is not, in fact, a competition, no matter what your overbearing father and/or high school football coach told you. From time to time we all gotta pull together, we gotta help each other out. From time to time the Alliance we need to form needs to have only one label.

“Humanity”.

Aaron and I think we should strive to be better as a whole, not better than each other.

He let Sting play the lute on TV, but whatever.

or,

don’t laugh, this is serious, though I hate to say I told you so.

My good friend Michael has been telling me for some time that we are, in the most literal sense, experiencing THE END OF THE WORLD. Really. Not the verge of a global war, not an economic, ecological, or geologic disaster of some kind, but the honest end of all civilization as we know it. Back to hunting and gathering for us, no more iPods, suckers. He may even believe we are going to complete eliminate ourselves from the food chain, that all human beings will be dead in 10 or 20 years (Actually, Children of Men is coming out soon, a movie about all human women becoming infertile, a scary notion). Michael being Michael, and me being me, we decided a couple of years ago to get pretty drunk and have the debate on this subject in my backyard, at full volume and then some. Good times. However, I have personally been coming around more and more to Michael’s basic idea (not the first time that has happened). I do believe we are in some pretty deep shit as a species and as a planetary culture, and there are many signs all around us, some global, some local, some personal, some serious, some amusing. Here’s the list, in no particular order.

1) 200+ people killed last month in commuter rail bombings in India. I didn’t even HEAR about it until today. 200+ deaths in a bombing is becoming more and more par for the course, scary.
2) I have begun using TiVo to record “So You Think You Can Dance”.
3) 24 people arrested this week in a plot to blow up several airliners departing the UK for the US. While they are SUSPECTED Islamic fanatics, and certainly crazy as the proverbial rodent from the proverbial outdoor lavatory, the UK authorities are trying their hardest not to point fingers at any group, race, or religion beyond the 24 folks in custody, yet.
4) The US press, and even the US President, is not being nearly that careful. He responded by saying the United States is at war with “Islamic Fascists.” I am sure all Islamic US citizens are wondering right now, “What ever happened to ‘innocent until proven guilty’”. I certainly am.
5) I quit working at The Ivory Cat. I know, I didn’t think it would happen either.
6) I started buying comic books again. At a real comic book store, not just at Barnes and Noble.
7) Israel has once again decided to wage war on suburban neighborhoods for the right to exist. Then again, Hezbollah doesn’t exactly have military bases to attack.
8) Locally, they’re tearing down an Austin landmark, the Taco Express, incredibly cool statues and all.
9) They’re doing it to build a Wal-Green’s. At least it’s not a Starbucks.
10) To date, 2599 American Service men and women have been killed in the war in Iraq, according to the DOD.
11) I’m making a blog-list.
12) For the first time since Aaron Burr, we’ve got a Vice President who shot a guy. Awesome.
13) The federal reserve DIDN’T raise interests rates. That never happens.
14) I didn’t get around to making a Dick-Cheney-shot-a-guy-Aaron-Burr-shot-a-guy-Sorkinesque-wordplay joke until just now.
15) Ryan got to tour the set of Aaron Sorkin’s new show, and I didn’t.
16) To date, more than 400,000 people have been killed in “ethnic cleansing” in the Sudan alone.
17) Unrest is riding again in Somalia.
18) Two kids from Michigan were arrested for supplying and assisting terrorists after being arrested with flight manifests, over $11,000 in cash and more than a dozen cell phones. What happened to drinking and smoking dope to rebel against your parents and experiment with your newfound freedom?
18 b) addendum, turns out there were NO manifests, and the kids were unethically resellin cell phones but not terrorists. The cops just arrested them because they were Arab. SO, they were racially profiled. another good sign of the end of the world.
19) More than 100 people died in a typhoon in China, the largest storm in China in 50 years.
20) Mike Douglas died at 81, on his birthday, no less.
21) Bradley got kicked off Project Runway, and Angela didn’t. Tim-O, Jess, and I are sad.
22) They sell comic books at Barnes and Noble.

Please understand that I do not take ANY of the serious things on this list lightly. I believe in balance, that the instincts of self-preservation and the basic goodness of humanity will always counter balance the self-destructive and downright bloodthirsty fuckin’ evil dark side of our nature. We are born killers, to be sure. We’re the top of the food chain, after all. But we’re born thinkers too, both philosophers and comedians, and we shouldn’t forget it. So rail against the shit-storm, do your best not to be part of it, and if you can, make something, anything, just a little bit better, whether you’re saving the world or making someone giggle.

Or,

How quickly ones life goes from left to right.

I don’t know what it is, but when she gets sick, I feel bad. I’m not developing sympathy coughs or anything, my physical well being is OK, but I have been strangely out of sorts all day. It was a good day, a day when you’d think I’d be beaming, actually. Kevin and I got some great news regarding the Show this week, we’re starting to think in ways that will blow your minds. Plus, I spent the day X-mas shopping a little, and I got to talk to my favorite niece on the phone for a while, which would normally make my week, much less my day.

But I’ve been a little on edge all day. I empathize with her, obviously, but it’s more than just that. I also feel fundamentally off about a half a degree. I’ve been noticing more and more how connected to her I am, and I love it.

It’s amazing how much one person can change your life. Feel better soon, Ace.

Or,

The Media is like a dog on the other end of a sock.

This kinda shit makes me crazy. Parents everywhere will tell their kids not to blog, it could get you killed. The story, the events, the situation, have absolutely nothing to do with these kids blogs (which were just MySpace blogs, no design work, no artistic integrity, no writing, design, or creativity of any value. MySpace is basically the Special Olympics of blogging.) They lost it, did the Menedez on her parents, they’re spoiled, they’re evil, they’re misguided, they’re mean, whatever. Their blogs didn’t kill anyone.

Blogs don’t kill people. People kill people.

However, that doesn’t make any money for Time-Warner or MSN. Sensationalism had everyone afraid of anthrax (only two people got it) or the bird flu (you won’t get it), or shooting at terrorists on planes (those guys did the best they could for being rednecks with guns and a W training video, but does anyone think they wouldn’t have shot the dude if he had been white? Sorry, another argument.)

Meanwhile, the media puts onto Page One whatever they have that fits. How irresponsible was that mocked up photo with the gun pointed at the computer? That makes it Page One Important, whether it really is or not? The link above was the first thing I saw when the MSN page launched on my computer at work, and I thought, “Wow, somebody got so angry over a blog post they murdered the blogger.” I clicked the link right away, and read the story, only to find that it was about two murderers WHO HAPPENED TO HAVE BLOGS. This is possibly some of the most irresponsible media coverage I have seen this year. Plus, as a Blogger it infuriates me for another reason.

I am currently dating one of the best, bravest parents I have ever known, right up there with my own mother. She is also a blogger of talent and will undoubtedly teach her kid the same. She’d let him know that having something to say isn;t dangerous or wrong. I have always published my blog with one deep seated rule.

Blog without Fear.

I know nothing of code. I am not a programmer. Kevin built my megaphone, I just yell into it. It is, without question, an infinitely tiny part of the cacophony of voices on the web, and I could give a shit. I have something to say, from time to time, and I will think it through and then say it. Or not. And regardless, I speak from the heart, I blog from the heart, and I defend what I say.

All bloggers should. If not, you have missed the point and are poorly misusing the power handed to you. “This is Interactive, what I am thinking, both right this second and in my bones,” would have once been my answer. If someone wanted to take a swing at me for my words, or God forbid worse, then so be it.

No matter what the Media says, or the national outcry that my result, don’t buy into it. It won’t stop me from speaking.

Nor should it stop you.

or,

at least the return of me.

I’m back, baby! There’s likely to be all kinds of new stuff here, my world is completely upside-down-whacked-out-different than it was when the ‘wrangler went down that some of you might not even recognize me. Know only that I am re-employed, 15 lbs. lighter, and happier than I have ever been in my entire life.

more to come….

or,

The 7,354th reason I am going to hell.

Ok, as someone raised Catholic, I realize that the Church’s position on life in unimpeachable, NO capital punishment, NO abortion, NO euthanasia.

But THIS SHIT is funny.