The Scorpion King

Starring Duane…er, I mean, The Rock, MIchael Clarke Duncan and sadly, not one other name any of you will recognize.

This is the most fun I have had at the movies since…..um……..since I got kicked out of Godzilla for being drunk. If you want to enjoy this “movie”, perhaps you should get drunk. Seriously. This rambling clusterf$%k of a flick is so awful, it is just waiting to become a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode. I could bore you with a plot synopsis (The Rock takes his muscles to kick some prehistoric barbarian ass) but why bother? Is there really any point is discussing the acting talents of a man whose role model as a thespian is Arnold Swarzenegger? In this case, the teacher still far surpasses the student, and Conan is a much more interesting character than The Scorpion King. This is supposed to be a prequel to some other eqaully inane piece of drivel, but there is no indication of it in the plot. Indeed, indications of a plot at all are rare. Also, Micheal Clark Duncan reprises his role from other films as, well, some really big guy.

That said, I had a blast watching this movie. I went during a reasonably full showing (there were many mullets) and ridiculed the film out loud in the theatre. “Wow, you Rock!, No, You ARE the Rock! Wait, I’m confused……..” I was neither shy, nor quiet. The fact that the Rock’s real name is Duane was one very important vein in my litany that day. “I can smell what Duane is cookin’ !” was one of my favorites. I was so loud and rowdy and openly spiteful of this pathic attempt to entertain anyone that the theatre staff came over and asked me to be quiet. At least I didn’t get kicked out. I badly needed a drink, however. 1 cell phone, call me if you see it, I’ll give you some material.