Or, possibly the most self serving tribute ever written.
So for a long time, I was writing a comedy screenplay about two best friends. These guys were loveable losers who worked in a video store and were extreme movie dorks. The video store was the kind of place that all movie nerds love, loaded with funky special feature sections, a great directors wall, every indie film ever made, and plenty of pretentiousness. In other words, for those of you who live in Austin, it was I Luv Video. The original location of I Luv Video on Airport Blvd., long closed, actually inspired this idea in me, to be honest. The most endearing quality of these fellas is that they can describe any film ever made in the perfect voice and signature lingo of the guys who do voice over work for movie trailers. These two guys, after a crazy mishap gets them evicted from the dump they live in, are forced to leave town. They decide this is their Carpe Diem moment, and they pull up stakes and head for Hollywood, hoping to make it big.
However, as we all know, dreams are easier dreamed than lived. They get to Hollywood, and of course, they try everything they can to get in to the movie business. In short order they become failed actors, writers, directors, they can’t get work as extras, one of them gets fired as a grip, the other gets kicked off a set after pretending to be the Best Boy. However, a local Hollywood big wig overhears them doing their Preview Voice shtick, and before you know it, they get discovered. Thus, their 15 minutes of fame ensues, and they become the two hot guys in Hollywood doing voice over work for trailers. Lot’s of comic hilarity, blah, blah, blah, they fight over the same girl, blah, blah, blah, and eventually their 15 minutes ends, they are better friends for it, and they decide to open a video shop to the stars in LA much like the old shop they used to run but even more pretentious, and they all live happily ever after. It was a good excuse to write 6 or 7 pretty ridiculous fake movie trailers that these guys would do the voice over for (including a hilarious Adam West / William Shatner buddy cop movie that really ought to get made). It also had a fantastic final scene that is going to take a lot (more) explaining, involving the great, and as of yesterday sadly deceased, Charlton Heston.
The video store where these guys work, like I Luv Video in Austin, had sections devoted to famous actors. I one section, all of AL Pacino’s movies, in another, all of Harrison Ford’s, etc. Each was labeled with a 3X5 index card with the actor’s name neatly typed on it. However, the staff at I Luv Video, and thus the guys in the film, were hard at work with their Sharpie markers on these signs, editing them with their own insightful funny jokes. The sign on the Harvey Keitel section had the following addendum … Who’s that no talent jackass who desperately wants to be Pacino or DeNiro but isn’t? Oh yeah, it’s … HARVEY KEITEL. Stuff like that.
So, in the final scene of the film, tentatively titled Preview Guys, Charlton Heston is browsing for movies in their new LA hipper than thou video store, and he comes across his own feature movie section, complete with index card. The card, of course, has been edited, and Charles stops for a moment to read it. It says the following,
I’ll bet you didn’t know this but … CHARLTON HESTON … gives great head!
Chuck just reads this, looks around in disbelief for a moment, then chuckles to himself, and in that perfect voice, says, “Heh heh heh, Yes I Do.” Then, literally as the credits roll on the film, Chuck stops the poor teenage clerk reshelving DVD’s and asks him, “Did you write this?” and before the poor bewildered kid can even answer, Chuck starts beating the ever-living HOLY SHIT out of him. The credit’s continue rolling over the scene of Charlton Heston going absolutely fuck-tard bonkers on this poor teenager, DVD’s flying and chaos reigning everywhere. Charlton Heston did several spots late in life that clearly showed he was not above poking fun at himself, and I still firmly believe that had this movie gotten made and I brought this one part to Heston and his agent and asked, that he’d have done the scene.
I guess now, we’ll never know for sure. R.I.P., Mr. Heston.