On a New Year’s Tradition that I used to Completely Misunderstand

or,

Hey, I was Five and it was My Birthday, so Shut Up.

I used to think “Resolve” meant to find the answer to something, again. Like figuring out that 2+2 really did =4. Or looking at all the clues over again to find out that Kristen did, in fact, shoot J.R.

“Elementary, my dear Watson, you see, the Murderer of the Rue Morgue is…”

“Yes, yes, yes Holmes, it’s a bloody big monkey, someone else solved it first, and then you re-solved it already, 4 times! You’re not even in that blasted story! Quit showing off, you wanker.”

So, here are some things I would like to have “Re-Solved” for 2005:

1) Why are there 8 in a bag of hot dog buns, but 12 in a pack of hot dogs?

2) Why did my water bill go up by a factor of 10 during April of 2004?

3) Who shot Abraham Lincoln?

5) What happened to mystery number 4?

6) Where were all of Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction?

7) What is the square root of 99?

8) Where’s the Beef?

Answers: 1) So you’ll buy 3 bags of buns and two packs of hot dogs. 2) Our toilet was apparently leaking. 3) John Wilkes Boothe, the fucker. 5) I skipped it. 6) If they were up Dubya’s ass, he’d know! 7) 9.9498743710661995473447982100121. 8) Wendy’s, of course.