or,
Hallelujah can be a killer.
I’m at work, and I’m supposed to be finishing paperwork and numbers and lots of infintesimal bullshit that, in only a few days, will never ever matter, ever again. My media player was randomly selecting songs I’ve uploaded or downloaded or jacked in or whatever the fuck, and it came across Jeff Buckley doing Leonard.
And It breaks my heart.
For me, this song is all about loss. It’s about love, and it is, foremost and above all, about women. It’s a killer.
I fully realize that I might be getting the song wrong, the same way Dan was getting the Three Dog Night song wrong when he worried that “Eli’s coming, hide your heart girl” was a portent of a certain darkness, of something bad, and not just the approach of a disgusting womanizer.
This one is about all women, and one woman. It focuses all the women you’ve ever loved and lost, ever loved and pushed away, ever screwed over in your life. It focuses all those women through that one. The eye of your emotional needle. The one big screw up in your life. The one that got away, in my case.
Love is not a victory march.
All I’ve ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
Lately, I feel broken, lonely, and unloved. Not by my friends and family, their support never wavers. But by the one that got away.
My best friend is closer to her than I am right now.
She called me at 3:04 am recently.
It’s raining in torrents here, and leaking through the roof. I want the rain to wash away certain things in equal torrents, because I know there are good things in my life. There are good women. I can think of one in particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about her recently, to be honest. I just don’t know how to wash away the one I was worshiping and get on with other adorations.
Maybe I just take this way to seriously, but I doubt it.
In the quiet times, in the moments you notice piercing solitude and hear only your own breath, you are not alone. The breath of countless others you have met and known echoes from far away. And you are loved – beyond time, beyond distance, beyond your knowing. You are loved.