or,
My best player screwed me, stole from me, then sold his soul to Satan because, basically, I let him, and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.
So, It is Done. The most impossibly awful piece of sports business ever transacted (yeah, it’s a word) is now worse than ever. The $250 million Man has gone to the Evil Empire. As a Ranger’s fan, It’s like being a kid and watching your dog willingly run away from home, pulling your little red wagon with your comic book collection, your G.I. Joe’s, the one dog-eared Playboy you managed to swipe from your old man, your Ken Griffey rookie card (I used to have two) and your bike all piled inside.
Except I never really like that damn dog anyway.
A-Rod ripped off Rangers owner Tom Hicks like a gang from a Tarantino movie, except that instead of getting killed in some twisted Mexican Standoff, he got away clean. Hell, he’s still stealing from Hicks! Some of the provisions of the A-Rod trade, made public on ESPN yesterday, include:
1) The Rangers agree to assume the cost of A-Rod’s travel expenses from the Yankees. A-Rod’s contract in Texas stipulates he stays in a full Hotel Suite of his own on the road. Apparently, Satan, er, Steinbrenner wasn’t cool with this, but Hicks doesn’t mind continuing to pick up the tab for baseball’s premier prima-donna to chill after the game.
2) The Rangers agree to assume the mortgage payment’s on A-Rods house in Texas while they SELL IT FOR HIM! Maybe Alphonso Soriano will buy it.
3) The Rangers agree to assume the cost of seat licenses for A-Rod’s seats at both the Ballpark in Arlington (which I guess it’s cool to have so your mom can come watch you play) and his seat licenses at The American Airlines Center, where, let me check…yeah….yeah…..the Rangers don’t ever play. Ever. Marc Cuban has got to be laughing his ass off at that one.
So, after doing a little digging (i.e. getting pissed and making some shit up) here are a few other elelments of the trade you might not know about:
A) As a provision of the deal on A-Rod’s pad, Tom Hicks will attempt to sell the house for roughly 225% of the current market value. Anything they get less than that, Hicks must try to get the Red Sox to assume the financial burden, or just pay it out of his own pocket.
B) Tom Hicks will fly to Florida to A-Rod’s off season home once a week to mow his lawn and wash his cars. That’s right, cars, plural. Wax on, Wax off, jackass.
C) If Hicks can not find anyone to buy A-Rod’s seats, or if the celebrity status of the purchaser is judged by Mark Cuban to be less than that of A-Rod, The Rangers will trade any future minor league pitching prospect they have to the Yankees in exchange for Billy Crystal and Spike Lee’s prescense in A-Rod’s seats.
D) Hicks agrees to trade all current minor league pitching prospects to the Red Sox for naming rights of the infamous Red Sox “Curse”, and then legally assume that name for himself.
Plus, somehow, someway, the Rangers re-acquired Kenny Rogers, and not to sing or make fried chicken. Lord help us all, and Thank God for the Astros.