Or,
Ranting about my job, again. (Thanks to Alison)
I left a long rant about Rule 39 on “Modern Drunkard’s 86 Rules of Boozing” at Alison’s site, now I am gonna rant about some others. You’re gonna want to strap yourself in, ’cause work has been pissing me off lately.
Rule 28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to a liqour store. This is not a joke. Please remember that not all areas of the country have bartender unions. It’s not a great job unless you are really, really good at it (like me). Bartenders and servers in Texas make less than one half of minimum wage. They are required to report to the IRS that you tipped at least 8 percent, whether you do it or not. This is absolutely the golden rule, don’t fuck around on this one. It is also important to remember that this is in your best interest as well. Poor tippers wait longer in line. The established rule is $1 per drink, not per round. Do not order three beers and two cocktails and tip one dollar. Dick.
Also, it makes you look like a cheap bastard, not to mention terribly unsophisticated, if the first thing you ask a bartender is, “What’s on special?” Say hello, Ass. Then ask about specials if you must. If you don’t like the special, or if there is none, instantly ordering a Bud Light also makes you look like a cheap prick. This will directly affect the rate at which your drinks get served in the future. If you like Bud Light, just order the damn thing and don’t waste my time asking about specials you weren’t really interested in any way.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers. How do rich people get rich? By being cheap fucks. Don’t order a wonderful glass of single malt scotch by name, pay $12.25 for it, and tip $0.75. In these cases, the one dollar per drink rule is obviously not in effect. If you make lots of cash, if you come to the bar well dressed and sporting lots of bling-bling, if you drink well and buy rounds for others or for women to show off and then DON’T TIP WELL, it does not mean you are well off and generous, it means you are full of shit.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass. Truer words were never spoken, muh friend. It does all spend the same, but don’t be that guy, really.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink. No screwing around, I got work to do here. A good bartender wll never SAY that to you, but it is in fact true. If you are the only person in the bar, it’s one thing. Asking the bartender for a recomendation if you don;t know what you want is pointless, they know everything. It’s too general a question. say, “Well, I usually like ” blah blah blah” but I’m in the mood for something different, what do you suggest?” This gives your bartender a starting point to work from. If you do this, the $1 dollar rule goes up, tip for the drink and then more for the expertise. If your bartender serves you something the name of which you’d be embarrassed to say to your grandmother, don’t ask him or her again, because they suck. However, you should still tip bartenders who suck, at least on the first round, and then order form someone else. Even idiots have to pay rent. And remember, don’t ask for pointless drink advice if the crowd is three deep at the bar. That said,
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar. Got it?
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block. Also, it will get you kicked out or arrested. Remeber, I don’t drink Jack in your bed, so don’t sleep in my bar.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking. Unless, of course, you’d like me to drink Jack in your bed, sweetheart.
63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response. Also, learn to take no for an answer. If she says no, it’s probably just because she is working and busy, and not a disparagement of you. Also, rememebr that servers don’t normally wear flashy jewlery while working, so if she says she’s engaged don’t ask where her ring is. Dick.
And now, two of my favorites: 66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.” and 67. Never ask a bartender “what’s good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning. Come on people. Bars always have neons and siplays of the products they carry. The back of the bar has all the bottles in plain view for a reason, you morons. And everything I make is good. If I made shitty drinks, my bar would go out of business pretty quick, wouldn’t it? Also, since you are most likely good at your job, you should assume that I also amat mine (I am in fact better at mine than you are at yours, but we won’t bring that up in the bar.) Finally, don’t touch my shakers, screw around with my straw caddies or make messes on the bar that you don’t have to. Do I come to you office and rearrange the shit on your desk? I didn’t think so.
Finally, 72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass. I am the bartender, I am El Jefe, and I am always right. So pay up, tip well, and get the fuck out.