Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, and…..awww who cares, It’s Kate Beckinsale fer cryin’ out loud!
Good Lord, it has been a long time since I wrote a movie review. What a slacker I have been. Thankfully, my favorite season has arrived, SUMMER MOVIE TIME! Yes indeed, chicks and explosions are here again, and I just love it.
Too bad this year’s first big summer movie is such a turd. Van Helsing is a completely uninspired hunk of bat dung. Yikes. Mr. Stoker is likely spinning in his grave at what these people have done to his characters, as are Lon Cheney and friends. The concept of a great vampire hunter taking on Dracula, ok, fine. The idea that he has a hot gypsy princess babe to help him out/make out with him, ok, fine. That fact that he has a priest sidekick who seems to have invented the machinegun about 150 years early, well, that’s pushing it.
And then Dracula is a fruit.
Seriously, I have no problems with the gay community, I have many gay friends. This is Dracula, though, have some fuckin’ balls man. Dracula cries in this flick. There’s no Crying in bloodsucking eternities of darkness. he has a frilly little ponytail and is about as androgynous as Prince. I expected him to break into a dance number a couple of times, it was like watching the Halloween Edition of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Carson as Dracula telling Hugh Jackman he needed to shave, and then Jackman beating him senseless. Now, I would have enjoyed that moment……
Regardless, Kate Beckinsale is worth the price of a matinee. We’ll give this one 2 monsters out of 5, kids.