Ok Ok, I didn’t review anything after X2, but I saw all of it. In a nutshell, here we go. Also the rating system is changed. Just remember 5 is good, 1 is bad. Starting as far back as I can recall, here we go.
The Matrix: Reloaded
Don’t worry if you thought it sucked. It didn’t, you just aren’t bright enough to figure it out, and got distracted by a few too many fight scenes. Keanu has to do something to keep him from speaking, or it really would have been bad. Remember, this is style over substance for now, because it’s only half a movie. 4 green indechipherable characters
The Italian Job
Everyone in this movie had fun making it. EXCEPT Edward Norton, who got to play a bad guy but was clearly bored to death. His character was poorly written, that’s why. Otherwise, car chases are fun. 4 Mini Coopers.
Hulk
Cool for comic dorks and fans of the old show, cool for special effects fans, VERY cool for Jennifer Connely fans. Problem is, there is almost no plot here. He gets pissed, he gets green, we knew that. 2 true believers.
2 Fast 2 Furious
2 much fun, 2 funny, 2 full of flava. Unfortunetely, for a car race/chase movie, it took itself a little 2 seriously. Also, Ludacris acts about as well as Paul Walker does, he looks like a wooden Ian Ziering, if that’s possible. The cars are cool and the chicks are hot, though. 3 number 2’s.
LXG
The most interesting action film concept ever, hard to deliver on all cylinders, but took a good shot at it. 3 1/2 fictional characters.
Finding Nemo
Those Pixar guys are brilliant, even if they are in league with the Devil. 4 pitchforks with computer animated fish on them.
Hollywood Homicide
Sucked. 1 yoga position.
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle:
Didn’t see it. Anyone surpised?
I Wish My Beer Was as Cold as Your Heart
Didn’t see this either, but sure wish I had.
Bad Boys II
Will is smooth. Martin got fat. 2 dick jokes.
S.W.A.T.
Pretty cool, dudes with guns kick ass. Cops are cool, especially if they are Sam Jackson. Then again, everything is cool once he does it. 3 M-16’s.
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Down with Love
Skipped those also. Shocked?
Open Range
Very good, very simple and honest, much like the West. Costner was good. Duval was bad ass. Annette Bening is starkly beautiful, which I didn’t think was possible. A very interesting statement about violence as part of American character. 4 wild horses.
and lastly, the feel good movie of the year,
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Hands down the best movie of the summer. More fun than you can shake a monkey in a pirate suit at. Johnny Depp is both brilliant and silly, his girl is a httie, Geoffrey Rush cracks me up, swashbuckler flicks are almost as cool as westerns, maybe cooler, and I just had a great great time.
5 Sailing ships full of drunken singing undead pirates.